The Half Light Vampire: A Parody
by That One Apologue
Summary: Sabella thinks that Eduardo isn't human, Eduardo believes that Sabella is mentally handicapped; their differences bring them together and cause for some comical situations. Various other vampire novels/movies are parodied as well. Very funny.


**Story:** The Half-Light Vampire  
**Fandom:** Twilight, Vampire Novels.  
**Rating:** PG-13 for excessive language and some adult situations - view discursion is advised.  
**Character/Pairings:** Eduardo Killen, Rosaline Hate/Emmitt Killen, Aleece Killen/Gasper Hate, Yzma Killen/Carlson Killen, Sabella Shallow, Jacobus Charcoal, Chuck Shallow, Rennie Shallow, Bailey Charcoal  
Lester, Luis, Armani, Cruella  
**Summary: **When Sabella Shallow first sees Eduardo Killen, she thinks that he might be something other than human. When Eduardo first sees Sabella, he believes that she might be mentally retarded. Because she loves fantasy novels and he has a soft spot for the mentally handicap, they grow close - even to the point of stalking.

Meanwhile, an annoyed and lonely Lester hopes to make Sabella his companion, seeing as his other two have just tried to kill him - for the sixth time this week. Cruella struggles with her insecurities and hatred for Lester while Luis tries to hide from the gay transvestite Armani, who proclaims his undying love for Luis.**  
Spoiler(s)/Warning(s): **Eh... Twilight storylines are all open. Perhaps a bit from New Moon with Jacob being there and whatnot.

**Author Note:** I am fan of Stephenie Meyer's work, but find that I prefer to write a parody of it instead of something that changes the story more to my liking. I do not intend to insult her in anyway, but really... it's just too hard to resist to make fun of it because it's so vulnerable to parodies. Twilight Parodies are really hot right now, so I'm just going to leap onto the bandwagon. (bite me!)

Chapter one is an introductory chapter, to both Sabella and Lester's positions. They are the main characters, though Lester's story is a side one and thus he is more of a minor character, though pieces of his story will be in every chapter. Enjoy, bitches.

**Chapter One: The Loser, The Wheelchair and The Witless**

_Sabella_

She was walking through the airport terminal when it happened. The single most life changing event that she would ever experience. She tripped down the escalator, when she wasn't even moving. It was undoubtfully embarrassing, just falling down the escalator like that, but it was even more embarrassing because she fell on top of some poor guy. Sabella Shallow had always been unrealistically clumsy, this just took the cake. After stepping on him a few times, she finally got to her feet and began to walk toward where her father Chuck Shallow was waiting for her. He was in his late thirties and had gone prematurely grey with worry. It wasn't that he worried about Sabella, but he was a compulsive gambler and put too much money on the Redskins.

Chuck barely acknowledged Sabella and began to walk away the instant she came up to him. While they began to walk to baggage claim - not that she really needed any more baggage than she already had - the man she'd just fallen on top of yelled and cursed at them. They didn't seem to notice, though Sabella tripped four times on the twenty foot walk. Once she caused a ninety-year-old woman to spill hot coffee all over herself and probably had third degree burns now.

"Sabella, get your shit so we can get out of here," Chuck said as he lit his cigarette. "The 'skins play tonight and Charcoals are coming over."

Sabella had one suitcase, mostly because they could only afford one overpriced ($375 on EBay!) suitcase and she only had sexy lingerie and two dresses that barely covered anything. Chuck didn't even help her get the suitcase into the squad car. Her dad was the chief of a corrupt police force; he dealt drugs to kids, endorsed the local drug dealers and robbed everyone he pulled over in order to pay off his gambling debts. On the way home, he stopped a car for speeding up five feet before the sign and then robbed the guy.

"Sixty bucks, a good haul," Chuck muttered as he got back into his car. "Sabella, I don't understand why you don't want to get into the force. There's a lot of money in this profession."

She said nothing, hoping that he would shut the hell up so that she could think of herself and how horrible it was to live in such a shitty town as Sporks, Washington. Sporks weren't even cool. How was she supposed to get a date on E-Harmony when she lived in a place called Sporks? Tonight, she would cry herself to sleep and then wake up screaming, just to fuck with Chuck's day. When they arrived home, Sabella noticed a banged up car that was white car with scrape marks along the side, as if someone had tried to remove something from it, but failed horribly.

"What the hell is that piece of shit doing in the driveway?" Sabella asked, wondering if the car had been in a derby or something.

Chuck gave her a stern look, "Watch your fucking language, Sabella, or else I'll wash your mouth out with hot sauce. And for your information, that's your piece of shit."

Sabella gaped at him and then let out an exaggerated sigh, "Well, it looks like it's just been in an accident."

"Course it has!" Chuck snapped. "Why else would I give it to you? One of the rookie's got into an accident with a chicken and a truck... well let's just not go into detail, now. But it's yours kid."

As they pulled into the driveway behind the shit-mobile - or as Sabella liked to call it, "the deathtrap" - she noticed that there were holes in the roof where the lights used to be. Obviously Chuck didn't want to give her the advantage of being able to screw with people and use the lights on them, so that made the car less appealing. Not that it was appealing in the first place, seeing as the rear had been halfway knocked into the trunk (amongst other dents) and it seemed to favor it's right side. The dashboard had huge holes in it from where the airbag went out and where the computer used to be. The police radar was still in, however, and there was no radio. Apparently, on the way to school she was expected to listen to the police scanner for entertainment.

"I hope you like purple," Chuck said from behind her.

The suddenness of his words caused Sabella to jump and she simultaneously hit her head on the roof of the car and set off the horn. She wasn't even sure how she did it. Chuck shook his head and walked away, muttering something about her stupidity along the way. Sabella reluctantly followed him inside after she finally got out of the deathtrap - it didn't appear to have seatbelts, which further hinted to the possibility of it having been in a demolition derby.

When she got inside she finally noticed that someone had pulled up to the driveway, simply because they tried to follow her inside. She shut the door in the handicapped man's face and caused him to wheel backward and wheel over the teenage boy, down the flight of stairs and then into the road. He stopped rolling about halfway across the road, yelling and cursing the entire way before he fell over sideways. Sabella merely stared and then noticed that the teenage boy was sort of beautiful and immediately sprung into action. Thankfully, he wasn't hurt. They had a good laugh and went inside, completely obvious to the handicap man that was still lying in the road.

"Hi, I'm Jacobus Charcoal."

"Sabella Shallow, you know, you're kind of hot.. even after being run over by a wheelchair." Sabella told him, touching his muscular arm as she leaned forward. "I can't believe some guy tried to run you over... God, what a dick."

Jacobus stared at her for a moment before she leaned too far forward and accidently head butted him. He nearly fell backward, but the head butt seemed to remind him that his dad was still laying in the street because he immediately gasped and then ran outside to get him. After a few minutes, he came back in and Sabella had changed into one of her slutty dresses that showed too much cleavage and was too short. Jacobus' eyes nearly popped out of his skull, but he quickly averted his eyes. Bailey Charcoal's head had been cracked open when he fell over and half his face was covered in blood. Nobody seemed to notice. Sabella twirled her finger around a strand of her hair and smiled at Jacobus.

"It's nice to see you again," Sabella remarked.

Jacobus blinked, "I was gone five minutes-"

"No I mean, from when we were kids... We used to eat mud pies together."

Realization dawned on him, "Oh, that was you? I don't think that was mud..."

"Sabella! Jesus Christ, stop making so much noise-" Chuck began to shout as he entered the room. He stopped once he saw Bailey and Jacobus. "Oh, hey, Bailey. What'd you get into a fight?"

"Something like that," Bailey muttered and ran a hand through his blood matted hair. "I was attacked."

"Oh, well, I hope you don't plan on pressing charges... I've got enough paperwork as it is." Chuck remarked. "The game's about to start. How about we let these kids have some alone time, so Jacobus can try and knock Sabella up?"

Jacobus blushed and Sabella snorted, as if she'd let him get to fourth base on the first date. She wasn't a whore. Bailey slowly wheeled his way into the living room, though it was a difficult task seeing as one of his wheels seemed to have a dent in it. Five minutes later, they were alone on the front porch. They sat on the swing and stared forward.

"So, what's our school like?" Sabella asked. "Maybe we'll have some classes together?"

"Ah, Sabella, I go to the special school in Le Pull."

Sabella turned to him, "What the hell is Le Pull?"

Jacobus sighed, "It's a community. Like a suburb, but without the expensive houses. And we have a beach. It's pretty cool."

"A beach? Here? But it's so cold!"

"I know... I just said that."

"But I thought you said cool..." Sabella muttered, looking confused.

They could have gone on for hours like this, but suddenly a group of people walked by the house in slow motion. It was incredibly surreal.

"Oh, wow, who are they?"

"Huh?" Jacobus said, then noticed that Killens were walking by - in slow motion. "Oh, them. They're just the Killers - I mean Killens. They are like, exchange students from like... Antarctica."

"Antarctica? Really? That so cool."

"Literally," Jacobus remarked. "Well, the really weird looking one-"

"Who's the weird looking one? They all look so beautiful."

Jacobus sighed, as if he was annoyed, "The girl with the boyish black hair. She's Aleece Killen. The guy who looks like he needs to take a dump is Gasper. I'm pretty sure they're together-together. You know. Like... A pimp and his whore."

"What?"

"I know, it's so weird, because they live together. I mean, when does that ever happen? People who live together dating... So weird. Anyway, the blonde chick who looks like a sourpuss is Rosaline. The guy who looks like bigfoot is Emmitt. They're also together-together, if you know what I mean." Jacobus informed her, sounding vaguely disgusted. "And the guy with the boyish good looks and perfectly chiseled abs is Eduardo. He's gay."

Sabella gasped, "Really?"

"I'm not sure, but he's not with anyone... and I'm pretty sure he's never been interested in anyone, but brunettes who are super clumsy and are mentally retarded. I don't know you have a chance, Sabella. You're just too clumsy and too stupid for even his tastes."

Sabella agreed. She was incredibly clumsy. Though she couldn't recall being stupid. Eduardo Killen looked at her as Jacobus spoke and then they all stopped walking.

"We can hear you, you know," Rosaline snarled, sounding like a cat with a hangnail.

"Oh, really?" Jacobus returned, growling like a dog. "I thought you were too busy walking in slow motion to care."

"It makes our entrance more dramatic!" Rosaline insisted, bearing her teeth.

Sabella thought that they were all weird. Emmitt was trying to calm Rosaline down, telling her it wasn't worth it and then the two of them walked off. Gasper was staring at Sabella's neck as if it were a piece of chicken and he was hungry, Aleece danced in a circle around him before pulling him away. Eduardo was covering his nose as if he'd just smelt something horrible and then ran away as fast as he could without drawing attention to himself. The entire experience was a little off-putting. But the only question the lurked in Sabella's mind was whether or not Eduardo would go out with her.

_Lester_

Lester was annoyed with Cruella and Luis. It was the sixth time this week that they'd tried to kill him. Once they'd even burnt down their house in the attempt, though Lester hadn't even been inside at the time. It had not only been a waste of time, though as it also made them homeless. Lester had resorted to living in a cave in the huge forest nearby Sporks, Washington. He was running through the woods when he noticed the most innocent creature he'd ever seen. A young girl, perhaps near eighteen, sitting on a porch next to a boy. His eyes narrowed as he instantly began to plot evil things that he could do to ruin her life... Just as he'd ruined Luis and Cruella's lives all those years ago.

_Yes_, he thought deviously, this was going to be fun.

_**To Be Continued ...**_

**Author's final note:** Interpret it as you want, but it's just getting started. I have many plans for this story, though keep in mind that Lester's parts are going to short, though I'll try to make them a bit longer than this one. :)


End file.
